Bullsh*t MLM’s and Direct Sales

Once Upon A Time, I became a Mary Kay consultant.

I was pregnant with our third child and preparing to become a Stay At Home Mom. As a preschool teacher, I made an embarrassingly low income. With how little I made weekly, it just made sense to quit working and stay home with the kids. Daycare is not cheap. Before and after school care adds up quick. Had I continued where I was professionally, I would have been working for the sole purpose of paying for child care.

OK, hold on – Let me answer the question you’re probably wondering right now: No.  Finding a job “in another field” that paid more was not an option. I had dedicated years to something I considered a career, no matter how little the pay. Financially, it may not have always been smart, but it was what I knew, what I continued Professional Development for, and most importantly, I was committed and believed in it. Sure, I could have said, screw it, and found a fast food gig with flexible hours and worked around my husband’s schedule so we could take turns with the kids…But let’s not get into all the reasons why that would suck.

So, this is where we ended up: I would quit teaching, take care of our three kids at home, and leave having a career to my husband.

We were terrified of being broke. We hadn’t realized how much my small salary actually impacted our lives until we began doing the math.

I wanted to help out. I didn’t want the financial burden to rest only on the shoulders of my husband.

So, I started some research.

Direct Sales. Multi-Level Marketing companies. Surveys. Getting paid to watch ads. Focus groups. Remote online jobs.

The Be-Your-Own-Boss Internet Rabbit Hole is really freaking deep.

After some consideration, I decided on Mary Kay. From what I could tell, it had a high percentage of profit from sales and makeup is something all women want to buy, right?

It took me about two months to realize I am not MLM material.

I HATE selling shit to people.

I HATE pretending I give a damn what “your color” is.

I don’t want to host a spa-themed party at your house for you and 12 of your closest gal pals.

I probably hate your gal pals, and it’s bullshit I can’t drink the wine too.

And listen, I get it – you bought three shades of lipstick from me last month. I KNOW you dont want more this month.

I am not a pushy sales person and I feel stupid posting on social media about “this offer I just HAVE to share with my girls!”

There is undoubtedly some money to be made in MLM and Direct Sales. I’m just not that person and honestly, I kind of hate you if you are.

In my time down the Rabbit Hole, I have discovered a lot of MLM’s that I don’t want and could NEVER sell you.

Here is my shortened list of bullshit MLM’s and Direct Sales companies:

LuLaRoe – Leggings and oversized shirts and dresses. Oddly, all the styles are named after women. Even more oddly, none of them are named Karen. LuLaRoe has you buy an entire inventory up front. Their smallest start-up is $499! COME. ON. That’s three weeks grocery money.

Scentsy – Scented waxes and oils you warm and diffuse to make your house smell like Better Homes & Gardens threw up in the air ducts. Listen, if I want my house to smell like Fall, I just won’t mop the floor after my kids track in wet and muddy crunched up leaves from their shoes. And why the hell do I want my baby to smell like citrus with one of those scented stuffed animals? The smell of baby is already magical.

Norwex – Honestly, I have nothing against any cleaning products that are Green. But why the hell am I going to order bathroom cleaners and window cloths from you when I’m already at Walmart?

HempWorx – CBD products! I don’t know much about the effectiveness of hemp for stress and all that…But I DO know that my doctor can recommend something less expensive than a $50 bath bomb box.

Tastefully Simple – Meal planning for people who hate meal planning! This is just laughable to me. Take your ass to the grocery store.

Younique – It’s basically Mary Kay for college students. Same feelings above apply.

Plexus – OK, Plexus. There’s a special place in Hell for you. Plexus sells little packets you mix with water and drink. After consuming, your entire body is magically cured of any ailments! Suddenly, you’re able to manage your weight and poop easier! The 3-Day Challenge Pack is only $20, but I’m pretty sure fresh water and exercise are free.

doTERRA – Essential Oils. That’s it. This needs no explanation. Don’t come at me with that bullshit.

Hey – I’m glad that some women are able to make a living off this stuff. Good for you guys! I’m just probably never going support you on Small Business Saturday. But at least you know I won’t ask you to buy my shit too.


What kind of companies do YOU hate?

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