Why do they scream so much? Seriously. Every time I walk away, there’s screaming. I sit down – screaming. I walk in the bathroom and shut the door – screaming. It’s like they lose their minds the second I’m not staring at them with one-million percent, undivided attention.
I don’t even know WHAT they’re screaming about.
I’m really starting to think that Oldest just sees me walk away and he starts screaming at his sister so I’ll come back. Because 9 times out of 10 – I come back and literally nothing is ACTUALLY happening.
I’m in a shitty-ass mood this morning. I slept terrible and woke up way too early.
I see my clean, clutter-free house being destroyed right before my eyes, but I’m too tired to stop the madness.
There are Oreos smashed into the carpet. There’s hot chocolate mix poured on the kitchen floor. I left a few baskets of laundry in the living room, and now they’re dumped out.
On the floor, right in front of me – theres a banana, address book, pen, plate, blanket, and outlet. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL EFFING-HELL?
Do the little Inside Out dudes in my kids’ brains alert them when Mom hasn’t had enough sleep?
She looks tired! Immediately commence the throwing of toys, garbage rummaging, food smashing, and screaming!
As I type, right this very moment, my 6-year-old daughter is standing in a Trick-Or-Treat bucket. WHERE DID SHE EVEN GET THAT?
My children have the amazing ability to find and use the most random things in the house for the most random purposes.
Here’s a short list of Crazy, Random Things My Kids Have Done in the Past 24 Hours:
Oldest (age 7)
- Announced that he is “liberating” Little Guy.
- Used the play kitchen as a turntable and screamed nonsense until my ears bled.
- Opened only the marshmallow side of the hot chocolate mix and ate it for breakfast.
Daughter (age 6)
- Asked Alexa to “play Cinderella,” over and over and started crying every time “Gypsy Road” started.
- Begged to play Apples to Apples, then proceeded to bring me Twister when it was time to play.
- Fell out of a chair while sitting still.
- Fell off the couch while sitting still.
- Repeatedly sang the words, “Uptown F**K You Up!” (no, she didn’t realize what she was actually saying).
- Spent 15 minutes screaming the word, jalapeno.
Little Guy (age 2)
- Shut his whole self in the entertainment center.
- Opened three YoCrunch M&M yogurts, just to dump the M&M’s into the yogurt and put back in the fridge.
- Climbed on the counter to get hot chocolate packs. Opened one and poured it all over the floor. Proceeded to play in it like sand.
All Three Kids
- Jumped on an old mattress we plan to throw away next “bulk garbage pickup day,” with “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen” blasting on Alexa.
- Oldest set up his Chromebook to record while the three of them jumped around screaming potty words, laughing, and pretending to talk to YouTube fans.
- Threw balled-up wet pieces of toilet paper at each other.
- So. Much. Screaming.
Send some positive vibes today.
Send wine.
I’m about to break out the big guns and show them that Frozen II is officially on Disney+ today.
I Wore This Yesterday 