I Wore This Yesterday

I know we are all trying desperately to keep our kids entertained at home right now. Some days it’s easier than others.

Social media is FULL of so many crafts, toys, games, and DIY ideas.

But…Just because you see it Pinned, doesn’t mean it’s a GOOD idea.

I’m here to tell you there are some ideas for kids that just plain suck ass.

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1. Kinetic Sand

Kinetic Sand is basically sand, silicone oil, and pure nightmare fuel.

It really is cool. Sand that you can shape and reshape as if it were wet. But once your kid starts getting creative, pulling it apart and mixing colors…that’s where the fun stops and anxiety sets in.

I freaking HATE sand on the beach. So, sand that’s actually meant to be played with on your kitchen table instantly pisses me off. It gets EVERYWHERE. It sticks to clothes and stains. Worst of all, if you have a curious 2-year-old who just has to do what his sister does – it mysteriously ends up under the comforter in your bed (true story).

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2. DIY Slime

Sure. It LOOKS pretty. But that’s basically all it has going for it.

Making slime usually requires ordinary household ingredients. Common ingredients include: borax, dish soap, Elmer’s glue, shaving cream, corn starch, baking soda, food coloring…Just depends what recipe you’re using and what texture you’re going for. Mix any of this crap improperly – You have yourself a sticky mess. Mix them properly – you’ll still probably have a sticky mess.

Listen, I have three kids. I’m all about hands-on learning and sensory activities, but come on – it gets stuck in hair, stuck in dog fur, dropped on the floor and stuck on shoes which then walk all over the carpet and stain it (true story). And if you have a girl…Well, she’ll want to add glitter, won’t she? Glitter – A mother’s mortal enemy. Enough. Said.

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3. Melted Crayon Art

Yeah, it looks really cool. But, tell me – what dumbass decided this could be a kids craft?

First of all, for it to look good, the crayons have to be sorted by color and hot glued in a straight line. My kids are 2, 6, and 7. No way in hell are those crayons getting sorted properly and then hot glued without a trip to the hospital. I’m sure an older child could handle this craft – but come on – if you’re scouring Pinterest, you’re a mom with young kids, not teenagers.

OK, so next, hold a hair dryer on the crayons until the wax melts and starts looking awesome. I mean…That’s simple enough. But, again, if you have kids my age, I think you will understand why it sound like a terrible idea to hold a heating unit for an hour while hot wax drips in all directions.

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4. Water Gun Painting

What in the actual f**k?

Why?

Why would you ever give children water guns full of paint? I suppose next you’ll tell me you’re supposed to feed them Pixi Stix and Fun Dip before handing over the guns filled with paint? Because only that could make this a worse idea!

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5. The Floor Is Lava

I’m convinced that the people who came up with this are either complete idiots or complete geniuses. Either way, they’re definitely asshats for selling something no one – and I mean no one – needs.

This is an IMAGINATION game. You shouldn’t need to BUY an imagination game. It’s…in…your…imagination.

If you own this game, I hope you overpaid and then your kid hated it.

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6. Kiddie Pool Outdoor Lounge

For an adult – sure, why not?

For kids? Ehh…

Teenagers might get it and know how to sit still without popping it, but I guarantee a flat pool within an hour if you have kids 12 and under. Probably less time if you’re really dumb and let the family dogs join you there.

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7. DIY Kool-Aid Lip Gloss

Heat Vaseline in the microwave. Mix in Kool-Aid.

Sounds easy. Sounds yummy. Sounds like 3rd degree lip burns and horribly stained counter tops.

Have ice cubes and bleach on hand. Do not mix either with Vaseline.

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8. Pour Painting

While I cannot deny how cool pour paintings look, I cringe at the thought of kids doing this project.

All I can think about when I see an adult using this technique is how much paint is being wasted. If a kid is doing it – multiply that paint wasted by 10! Bonus, there will be a HUGE mess to clean up when your little artist is done with their “controlled chaos.”

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9. Pop A Zit!

The directions say: “spin, squeeze, pop!”

Mama says: “dear God, why?”

It’s not bad enough that some day, our precious angels will have to go through puberty on their own? We have to make it a freaking game? After you squeeze it enough times, it “pops” and shoots water out.

I just cannot fathom what makes this fun.

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10. Orbeez / Water Beads

As a former preschool teacher, I used to love Orbeez. They are awesome for sensory activities in a controlled space.

Now, I’m here to tell you that at home, they SUCK!

If you don’t have your own big-ass sensory table, water table, or sand table – don’t bother. If you can’t do it outside- don’t bother. You will regret the mess. These little balls will fall on the floor, roll away, then get stepped on and smashed everywhere. Once, I accidentally vacuumed up a few and they SOAKED the vacuum bag.

DO NOT fill a bathtub with them and go swimming. Internet challenges are bullshit. It looks cool – but tell me, how will you dispose of them when you’re done? They clog the shit out of pipes. You cannot flush them. The only way to get rid of them properly is a garbage can.

Oh, and DO NOT substitute crafting water beads for Orbeez. They are not the same. The crafting ones are not meant to be played with and many will stain your hands and anything else they touch.

One last thing: they are activated by water. They hold water. If you want to use them more than two days in a row, they start to STINK like dirty piss water.

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So, what kind of kid activities do YOU hate with a passion?