A Breakup Letter Delivered To My Living Room

When I first met you, you were so vibrant and full of life.  So perfect and clean.  A flawless color of off-white that begged for latte walls to match.

I gave you everything you ever wanted.  You got your coffee-flavored walls and strong wooden window treatments.

I furnished you with green microfiber couches and a leather ottoman. 

Your coffee walls, decorated in vintage golds, greens, and reds.

You were perfect.

You made our living space perfect.

Over the years, you’ve been through a lot.  You’ve had a hard life…

You’ve been thrown up on, peed on, pooped on…

In 11 years, you have had the abuse of five dogs, three kids, and two adults (not to mention house guests).

The years of abuse are starting to show.  You have not aged like the fine wine that has been spilled on you.  You are starting to look worn and beat up, and honestly, you kind of smell…like all the time.

I tried to take care of you, I swear.  I cleaned you.  I put up gates to protect you.

But you stopped responding to treatments.  You stopped trying.

With every new stain, it became harder to bring you back to life.

The relentless abuse was becoming too much.

The stains are now permanent.  The smell is getting more prominent with every passing week.

I’m sorry, but, it’s time for this relationship to end.

It’s time for us to part ways.

I’m tired of trying to save you and, clearly, you’ve given up hope too.

I’m sorry.

But – not really…Because you are just a carpet.

And let’s be honest here – I think everyone would appreciate not hearing me cuss you out anymore.


Kindly, take your stains and vacate the premises.

I need a new carpet.


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