My list of people who just grind my gears…
Teachers Who Hate Kids
Once upon a time, I was a Preschool teacher. Over the years, I met a lot of people who were amazing with little ones. But I also encountered a great many who should never have chosen childcare as a profession.
I feel like I’ve seen it all.
Honestly, it would take me an entire separate post to rehash all the shit I have seen.
Let’s just say…If you find yourself swearing at toddlers or doing their artwork FOR them because you can’t handle the mess, it’s probably time to find a new job.
People Who Don’t Talk To You But Send Invites To Gift-Giving Occasions
Weddings, showers, graduations…
If we have not physically talked to one another in two years, plus – it is NOT OK to invite me to a gift-giving occasion.
All your invitation says to me is, “YOU’RE INVITED!…Please bring me something.”
People Who Treat Their Animals Like Children
Listen, I have two dogs. I love them. They’re great. They are definitely part of the family.
But they are NOT children.
They don’t even compare to having children.
Do you carry your dogs in your womb for 9 months, then painfully push them out of your naughty bits? No.
Did your new puppy get cut out of your stomach during a terrifying surgery that you’re completely awake for? No.
If your child dies, do you burry them in the back yard, cry for a week or two, then visit the breeder for a new one? No.
Is your pet’s first words, “mama,” or, “dada?”
Did you teach your pet to ride a bike?
Does it have your eyes or your husband’s smile?
Can you leave your kids unattended for 6 hours a day with a bowl of food and the toilet seat up?
Pets are loyal. Pets are fun. Pets can be part of your family. But they will NEVER be on the same level as an actual human being.
People Who Write Braggy Christmas Newsletters
It really sounds like a cute idea – your year in review, for all your friends and family to catch up on.
But more times than not, these letters come out completely braggy and basically annoying.
I mean – I get it – you’re not going to fill your newsletter with all the bad stuff that happened over the year.
But, you’re also not going to write one if only the regular day-to-day good stuff happened…
I have never read a Christmas newsletter where the family recounted how the oldest kid finally stopped wetting their bed and dad fixed the shelves in the living room.
Or how mom made it to the magical 5-0 this year, but has to sleep with the heat on and 6 fans blowing.
If you’re writing one of these things, you’re usually set out to brag about your big expensive family vacay to Hawaii or the extension you built onto your house.
Maybe your youngest lost their first tooth, so you rewarded them with a pony and a giant blow-up bounce house party.
Anyway…If you’re bragging at Christmas time instead of learning from your year’s good fortune and paying it forward – you’re a douchey Karen who probably needs to rewatch A Christmas Carol or something.
People Who Try To Sell Me Shit
Hey, you sell flamboyant leggings and scented shit at astronomical prices so you can afford to be a stay-at-home parent. That’s good for you! And honestly, I’m a little jealous that I don’t have the salesman gene.
But, if you only reach out to me “as a friend” once a month so you can meet your quota and earn your next level of whatever the hell – ugh, just stop it.
I buy my leggings, makeup, and every other thing on the planet from Wal-Mart.
“MY Kid Would Never Do That” People
First of all, if you don’t have kids yet, and you use this phrase – don’t.
You have no idea what actual type of parent you will be until you become one. And when you have your first kiddo, you will be incredibly surprised at how low your standards can get.
Think you’ll never throw a tablet in your kids’ hands so you can clean the kitchen uninterrupted? Yeah, OK. We’ll just see…
Second – if we meet on a playground and you feel the need to tell me how you would never allow your kid to do this or that…
I am not you. Your kid is not my kid.
Everyone parents differently and THAT’S OK!
You are not better than me because you actually remembered the travel hand sanitzer, while my kid is literally eating the dirt.
Is your kid happy? Yes? Good. So is mine.
Unsolicited Advice People
“Don’t you think she should be wearing a hat?”
“When my kids act like that, I just ignore them.”
I actually can safely say that if you are a complete stranger and come up to me at a store to try to give me parenting advice, I hate you.
Maybe my two-year-old didn’t want to wear a hat on this cold, cold day, and I was too tired to argue with him because I need to grocery shop, pick up prescriptions, make it to doctor appointments…all while trying to keep 3 kids from touching everything they see and sneaking things onto the belt at the check-out.
And here’s a piece of advice for YOU: if you see a parent dealing with a tantrum in public – don’t do anything.
Don’t stare. Don’t offer words of wisdom. Don’t even tell them you feel their pain.
Just. Keep. Walking.
It’s the only way we will all get out of the situation the safest way possible and you won’t have a parent already losing their shit on their kid lose it on you as well.
Everyone knows a one-upper.
Their problem is bigger than yours.
“I was up with the baby so much last night…”
“Yeah, well I worked two doubles AND had to take the kids to dance and feed the baby all night.”
How about just being a decent human being and practicing these simple words: “I hear you. Do you need help?”
If someone is having a rough day and they confide in you, the LAST thing they want to hear is your problem is bigger but hey, look how great you’re doing!
Who do you feel like dropkicking on the daily?
…I mean…Besides me, after having read my list of people who piss me off.