Turns out, my list of people I want to dropkick is a little longer still.
People who really grind my gears on the daily…
The simple fact that I had chickenpox when I was little, but MY children never will is a motherf***ing miracle!
We are living in the 21st Century.
There is basically nothing you could ever say to convince me it is ok to NOT vaccinate your children.
Modern medicine is amazing, and you suck if you feel otherwise.
People Who Bring Their Animals EVERYWHERE
Unless you have a legitimate service animal, please do not assume your pets can just go everywhere you can.
I guess little carrying purses for toy dogs was cute back in the early 2000’s when Paris did it. But I have very recently seen customers at grocery stores actually pushing their giant-ass lab in a cart like a kid.
It’s not cute.
Some people out there – actually LOTS of people out there – have these things called allergies. They don’t want your animal sitting next to them in a cart while browsing the produce aisle.
Believe it or not, your precious pup WILL be just fine if you leave him home for a few hours.
Same goes for literally any social situation.
Yeah, your animals are part of your family…But unless otherwise specified on your invitation, it’s probably best to leave them at your house.
Oh, and I can’t believe I am even saying this, but I HAVE seen it…
Your dog does NOT belong at a table inside of a restaurant.
What DO you think is going to happen if you leave your pets at home for a little while? You own some skanky bitch that’s going to invite over all the neighborhood mutts while you’re gone?
And don’t come at me with accidents and chewing…If you can’t handle some casualties once in a while during training, maybe you shouldn’t have a pet.
Overly Political Social Media People
It is completely within your rights to voice any and all opinions you have on a given subject – Lord knows I do.
But I’m talking about the balls to the wall political folk who just share, share, share…
And then argue.
They LOVE to argue.
STFU and show me pictures of your kids and grandkids.
I promise, you’ll be happier and everyone on your friends list will like you better for it.
Organic Only People
Listen, I know that organic everything is the healthy way to go.
I know that processed foods are the devil.
Please, stop telling me how I’m not setting a proper healthy lifestyle example for my kids by not buying organic. That shit is expensive and frozen dinosaur nugs only take a minute and a half to warm up.
It’s exciting to share milestones on social media.
But I really don’t need to know every single time your kid takes a dump.
Vague Social Media Sharers
“I could really use some prayers!”
“Worst day ever.”
“So excited! I hope things work out!”
Tell me wtf you need prayers about. Tell me why it’s the worst day ever so I can tell you, “oh yeah, screw that lady!” Tell me what you’re excited about so I can share in your joy!
Don’t post the most vague status ever just to see how many people care enough to ask what’s up.
I once had a social media buddy who posted something along the lines of, “OMG, please, I need your prayers. This is the worst!”
Probably 50 different people promptly commented with, “We’re praying for you!” “What’s wrong??” “Are you OK??”
Come to find out a day later that this person needed all the prayers they could get and it was just the WORST because her boyfriend’s mother’s dog needed surgery for kidney stones or some bullshit.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am not a monster – I care about good ol’ Fluffy’s health.
But don’t go on Facebook and make it sound like you have freaking terminal cancer if that’s not the case at all.
Drop Me A Line!
I’m having a lot of fun hearing about who you guys want to dropkick!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any stories to share! I will happily feature some in a future post!