So, I’m in the middle of vacuuming and cussing out my dogs for shredding a shitty diaper all over my two-year-old’s bedroom.
I’m glistening like a freaking pig.
Trying to decide which room of the house is next for a pantless deep-cleaning.
(Yes, I’m cleaning my house with no pants on, because I rolled out of bed and saw no point in freshening up if I’m not leaving for any reason.)
I already feel like a shitty mom because it’s summer and the kids are stuck entertaining themselves while I clean the f**k out of my house for the 11,000th time.
I’m doing laundry and wondering how the hell there is so much of it when the Hubs is the only one leaving the house (because, pandemic) and my self-care standards have hit an all-time low.
Just when I’m in the middle of mumbling, “dumbasses,” for probably the 5th time (the dogs, not the kids!), my oldest flies into the bedroom, yelling.
“Mom! Mom! Mom! You have GOT to see this!”
He’s waving his Nintendo Switch in front of my face and as I am already feeling annoyed, I try the “maybe if I ignore him, he’ll go away” approach.
No such luck.
“Mom! Seriously! You HAVE to see this video on YouTube!”
OK. I’ll bite.
Like I said, I’m feeling like a shitty mom because I’m ignoring the kids while I rage clean.
I tell myself, “turn off the vacuum. This bullshit can wait. Your kids are more important.”
So, that’s what I did.
“OK, show me this video.”
“Yes! OK! Mom, you are going to LOVE it. “
I am now watching an internet gem titled: “Pennywise Vs Groot – Cartoon Beatbox Battles.”
Oh my freaking God.
Listen. If it’s important to my kid, I can at least pretend it’s important to me.
I suffered through all 7 minutes and 18 seconds, fake laughing and telling my kid thanks for sharing it with me.
When the video ended, he happily pranced off and I continued my rage cleaning.
But now, instead of calling the dogs dumbasses, I’m thinking about this stupid as shit YouTube video.
This ridiculous parody that has 6.9 MILLION views.
By some dude that has 2.99 MILLION subscribers.
What in the HELL am I doing wrong?
No, no. Not what am I doing wrong parenting or cleaning my house pantless. I know exactly how I’m doing those things wrong.
I’m talking about making money.
According to my quick Google search, where I read the very first article that popped up (which totally means my facts are accurate), you need only 1,000 subscribers on YouTube to start monetizing your channel.
So, someone with 2.99 million subscribers must be making some moolah.
That they make themselves.
Featuring Pennywise and Groot.
I need ideas, guys.
I need some brain-cell-killing, outlandish money-making ideas for YouTube or SOMETHING.
Because honestly, being a failing writer/stay-at-home mom is NOT bringing in the dough.
Who knew being so stupid could make you some major bank?
Hmm. I take that back…Johnny Knoxville knew…
But in all seriousness – it gets my blood boiling just a tad to think that if all I had was ONE dumbass idea, I could be going viral and rolling in the money. Just ONE stupid video that would make people follow, follow, FOLLOW! I feel like Wreck-It-Ralph trying to break the internet. Unboxing videos? Letting giant bugs sting me? 24 hour challenges? What HASN’T been done yet?
And more importantly, how LOW of an IQ do I need to create the viral brain-cell-killer sensations?
Now I’m pantless, sweating, swearing, and ranting.
My poor kids’ summer vacay.
They’ll each be telling their therapists about all this one day.