Things No One Told Me About Having Babies

You know what I hate about being pregnant?

Everything.

I feel like as women, sometimes we are led to believe that all pregnancies and deliveries are this amazing, magical experience, on par with how we expect our wedding days to be.

When you’re pregnant, you’re glowing. Your hair is so full and your nails grow just perfect. You get this cute little basketball under your t-shirt for about five of your nine months. Oh, and sex has never been better!

Delivery day comes…Your water breaks. You rush to the hospital, ignoring every red light. Then, with feet in stirrups, you hilariously scream at your husband for a half hour, push a few times, and out pops the new love of your lives!

Maybe for some women, it is this magical.

I’ve definitely known a few ladies who looked maddeningly great while pregnant.

The thing is – most of us who have had less than beautiful experiences were NOT prepared for it.

No one warned me about crippling back pain.

No one told me my friggin feet could grow and actually STAY bigger.

I knew adult acne was a thing…But hormonal pregnant acne? That stuff is on a whole different level!

I was unprepared for an emergency c-section at age 24.

I knew there was a thing called “The Baby Blues,” but I never expected Post Partum Depression to last so long.

Heartburn? Yeah, I knew about that…

Itchy, achy boobs? I thought that was a joke!

OK, so my hair got fuller and more shiny – but how about how it fell out in mother loving CLUMPS after having had anesthesia? …Nope. Nobody warned me.

I don’t blame anyone in particular for failing to mention the less pretty side of having babies. I guess it’s just human nature to look at those little yous and, with a sigh, say, hey! It was worth it!

I mean, really – could I have actually expected my mother to sit me down, as a little girl, and explain how at 6 months pregnant, sometimes you’ll be horny, like, always…And other times, it’ll feel like your uterus is going to fall out of your hoo-haa, and the mere THOUGHT of sex pisses you off?

I’m pretty glad we never had that talk.

Now that I’m on my fourth pregnancy, I have no delusions of what to expect anyway. Of course, I realize my crappy experiences are magical in their own ways – and they DID give me three amazing kids thus far.

At least now I know to wear a mini pad when I’m out, in case I laugh, and to always carry Rolaids in my purse.