Moms Versus Zombies

Well, have you heard?

The human race is doomed! The end is near!

…again.

Apparently, the 16th Century French “seer,” Nostradamus, predicted that 2021 would be the year of zombies.

Nostra-Who?

Listen, if you don’t know who Nostradamus was, just do a quick Google search, because his works are all over the place. I remember learning about him back in high school. Basically, he was this dude in the 1500’s who made tons and tons of predictions for the future. Supposedly, a bunch have come true – buuut, if you ask me, most of his prophetic poems are just like horoscopes: so vague that they can predict anything, depending on the person interpreting.

So, zombies…

Yeah. It’s been circulating social media (which makes it even more true!) that Nostradamus predicted zombies (which was apparently just interpreted?), prompting the CDC to update their Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide.

OK, it is TOTALLY true this guide exists on the CDC website. It’s actually a super clever campaign they began back in 2011 to educate the public on the importance of maintaining emergency kits and plans. Kind of a “be prepared for anything” type of approach.

I recall visiting the Zombie Preparedness page back when it was first published. I read. I laughed. It made ya think…

After hearing about Earth’s new impending doom for 2021, I took a moment to revisit this campaign. And, although it’s unclear whether the CDC actually updated the site because of the zombie prediction, it is different from the first time I was there. It’s definitely worth a look – especially if you’re an educator or parent. There are some pretty fun resources, available for free (like a graphic novel about zombie preparedness)!

So, anyway – all this Nostradamus and zombie reading got me thinking: Could I survive the real thing? Would a mom have what it takes to handle a real-life Zombie Apocalypse?

I’ve thought long and hard about this. Honestly – much longer than I should be admitting publicly.

But after I weighed all the facts and theories…After considering moms versus all the zombie assumptions and stereotypes…I have come to an answer.

Could a mom survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

Hell yes!

And here’s why:

1. Moms are quicker on their feet – Whether we’re talking slow-moving Night of the Living Dead zombies or sprinting, ravenous freaks like those in Dawn of the Dead, I am inclined to believe that a mom could easily give ’em the slip. Have you ever just seen a mess about to happen? Like, your toddler is about to chuck a cup of milk across the kitchen, and you can just tell? The speed at which you can move across that room, like a stealthy ninja, bending every which way to make the interception and stop that mess – oh yeah, moms can move faster and out-ninja a zombie.

2. Moms are basically female MacGyvers – Come on, ladies. You know what’s in your purse and/or diaper bag. We have a tool for every emergency. We carry stain removers, clear nail polish, mini sewing kits…Just think how creative you can get with your stash if you need to!

3. Moms aren’t grossed-out by bodily fluids – I have been peed on. Puked on. I’ve literally stuck my hand in shit, checking a baby’s diaper (more than a few times!). I have taken care of cuts and bruises, both big and small. Dealt with fingers smashed in a car door…Zombies got nothin’ on kids when we’re talking gross-out factors!

4. Mom Adrenaline – It’s the simple, age-old tale of a mom who can lift a car off her injured child. A parent can do ANYTHING if their child’s well-being is in danger. And this certainly applies to fighting off zombies!

5. Moms have stockpiles of drinks and snacks – If you’re a mom, especially if you have multiple kiddos, then you have snacks. Snacks in the pantry. In the car. In your diaper bag. In your purse. Sometimes, you pack a bag of snacks when you aren’t sure that your car snacks will be enough, then you leave those extra snacks there for next time. You probably have a case of bottled water or Capri Sun in your car trunk right now! Point is – ya have food for your journeys!

So, Nostradamus – bring it on! If 2021 IS the year for zombies, I’m not worried.

I’m a mom!

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