I Wore This Yesterday

It’s 8:30 in the morning. I have now been “stuck” in the house for 54 days with my three children. My oldest came to me this morning with the daily declaration, “Mom, I’m hungry.”

“So, make some Ramen.”

Yep. I’ve become that parent.

“And make some for your 2-year-old brother as well. “

Ramen for breakfast? Yeah. Why the hell not? I just had two giant ass bowls of Cheerios and three cups of coffee, so who am I to dole out nutrition advice right now?

Listen – I cook all the freaking time. I make homemade meals every single night (almost). I offer fruits and veggies. Sometimes, my kids are even lucky enough to have Flintstone Vitamins, if there’s a good enough coupon available.

Here’s the thing about kids though: they are ALWAYS hungry.

My three kids have a total of 14 meals a day.

• Breakfast
• Snack
• Midmorning Snack
• Before-lunch Snack
• Lunch
• Snack Time
• Second Snack Time
• Before-dinner Snack
• Dinner
• After Dinner Snack
• Third Snack Time
• Dessert-like Snack
• Before-bed Snack
• “I Got Outta Bed For a Snack” Snack

My kids eat a week’s worth of groceries in two days! By day three, processed foods are all I have left to offer – and dammit, they’re usually the cheapest products, therefore what we have the most of.

Trust me here. I am the mother-effing Queen of Couponing in my hood. I know how to shop smart and healthy…But the unhealthy shit is way easier to stock up on (hmm, reason for the obesity problem in the US?).

When the ‘Rona Pandemic hit our state and we were told to “shelter in place,” and only make “essential” shopping trips, what do you think we bought? A year supply of fruits and veggies? Yeah, OK. I’m really going to freeze a butt-load of bananas, mangos, and squash, right? Hell no. We stocked our freezer with meat and processed foods so we didn’t have to leave the house. Dinosaur chicken nugs for the win. Mini pizzas. Eggos. Did you know you can freeze butter? Well, you can. You’re welcome.

And in the pantry – cans and cans and cans of beans, soup, tomatoes, pasta, veggies, fruits. There’s rice, pancake mix…Ramen. And of course, cookies.

Hey – I’m not blaming the pandemic for our poor eating habits. I’m blaming the kids for that shit.

Our fresh stuff only stays fresh for so long. I DO make homemade, healthy dinners…But the SNACKS. My God, the snacks. Yeah, they eat cheese sticks and they love yogurt. It’s not ALL terrible foods. But, again, we stock up on what is affordable and lasts longest. Our ratio of yogurt to Ramen is a bit unbalanced, but the latter LASTS.

I’m not sure what point I’m trying to get at here. I’m certain I am sounding like a terrible parent who could care less what goes into her kids’ bodies. But, as I sit here and sip on my fourth cup of coffee, loaded with French Vanilla creamer – I guess I don’t really care how I seem.

Parenting is hard. There are so many rules and guidelines about what to feed them, what not to feed them…How much screen time they’re getting…Talking WITH them versus scolding…Spanking or no spanking…Are time-outs really effective in changing behavior?

Come the f*ck on and just give me a break.

No matter what we do in our house, it will never be the same as what you do in yours. I am a different person than you. Your kids are not the same as mine. What we do in our house is OK for us. What you do in your house is OK for you.

You do you.

And be kind to other parents about it.

My little tyrants love snacks. That’s us.

What about you?