I Wore This Yesterday

My third and youngest child has finally hit that oh-so-magical milestone: The Terrible Two’s.

I had almost forgotten what the magic was like.

The organic sound of nail-dragging screams.

The assertiveness.

The impressive ability to turn from happy-go-lucky Little Man to uncompromising dictator in seconds flat…

Yep.  It’s happening.

No one knows when or where the madness will stop.

But it’s here.

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Yeah, yeah.  I know all the psychological  emotional growth reasons for this stage in life.  Former Preschool teacher here, remember?  And this certainly is not my first rodeo, given he is number three.

But as I sip on my coffee in the comfort of my living room, with the warm dawn peeking through unopened blinds; I hear a long, blood-curtling shriek coming from the hallway and my only thought in that moment: Dear God, why?

What in the actual hell is he pissed about already?

He only woke up 10 minutes ago.  What happened between the three feet of bedroom and hallway that warrants the death scream?

Now, I hear his fragmented sentences.  The inaudible shrieks are becoming more clear.

“Wake up!  Night night all done!”

He’s banging on his siblings’ door.  He’s pissed that they’re not awake too.

Seriously, kid?  You have mom all to yourself for at least a whole hour.  We can binge watch Daniel Tiger and cuddle under blankets.  I’ll make you some toast and pour your milk.  Your older brother and sister just change the channel and demand my attention too.  Your sister only fights with you to be the one sitting closest to me. An hour of peace isn’t good enough for you?

Oh, great.  Now the dogs are barking.

I’m not sure if they’re trying to tell you to shut up.  Maybe they’re trying to alert me that something is wrong with the tiny human in the hallway.  Shit, maybe they’re just barking because they think it’s a loud noises game to join in.

I now have a headache.

Hey – awesome!  You’ve moved on.  The screaming and barking have stopped. You opened a closet door and found a stash of plastic Easter Eggs. This will keep you happy and occupied for a while. And bonus – you’re gonna sharpen those fine motor skills by opening and closing them.

Oops. My mistake. Plastic Easter Eggs piss you off now too.

You can open and close them just fine. That’s not the problem at all. The issue is that that’s ALL they do. Wait – maybe if you put something in the eggs…your Paw Patrol figurines…Yep. That was the answer. Five more minutes of happiness. Five more minutes, and now we are pissed off again.

Throwing the eggs will surely fix every problem.

I now have plastic eggs scattered through the house…Paw Patrol figurines getting chewed up by actual dogs…And, oh do you hear that? It’s more screaming, because I just kicked him out of the bathroom for trying to open a bottle of Pepto.

I love hearing all the new words and phrases my two-year-old is learning. It warms my heart to see him grow. It’s super adorable how he’s on the floor right now, kicking his legs and screaming at me to “Go way mom! Room! Room! Go way!”

Mood swings are totally normal when you’re experiencing Terrible Two’s.

I just got a Halloween bucket chucked at my head, followed by an immediate, “Sorry mommy,” and, “Hug me!”

Now, he’s brushing his teeth because after all the morning’s excitement, gotta keep those cavities away.

Wait, never mind. He felt like the bar of Irish Spring needed the toothpaste more than his teeth.

Hey – I’m not complaining.

This is all SO normal.

It’ll be fine.

It’s just a phase that’s going to keep going on and on until one day…It’ll just end. And that will be that.

And just like with the older two children, this will all be a distant memory.

But for now…

There’s screaming.

Lots of screaming.

Maybe, send vodka? Or at least a little Bailey’s for my coffee?

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